Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
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My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”