A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
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I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.