When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
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According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Finally, a door that understands me
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
This is my favorite one of these!