Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
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I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”