I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
tis the season
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!