If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
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*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana