18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
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hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.