“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
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just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
#SaturdayBears
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.