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All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”