Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
You Might Also Like
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails