@kristabellerina 12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
@UnFitz Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
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@kristabellerina 
@CrockettForReal A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
@POOPSCRUFFIN4U I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
@AudreyPorne [2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
@daemonic3 Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
@TheHyyyype 1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
@Brianhopecomedy I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
@JediGigi Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
@IamEveryDayPpl *sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”