Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
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Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side