Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
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2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
it must be school picture day
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
kitchen magnet
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
#inspiration #foodforthought
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER