born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
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Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there