My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
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Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Greeting humans vs their dogs
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Got ya covered
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?