Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
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Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
<- sleeps well with others
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
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Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.