I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
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If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
The French cow says MEUX…
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Yup.
The answer is funnier than the question
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…