If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
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Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.