funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
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Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Bruh PLEASE
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive