Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
You Might Also Like
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean