You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
You Might Also Like
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Twitter fine art
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Lucky old June.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
can’t believe I got front row seats
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
New menu item
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together