the battle rages on
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Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.