the battle rages on
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases