sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
You Might Also Like
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.