No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
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i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..