My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
You Might Also Like
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
God has left this place
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.