My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
You Might Also Like
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*
M: Hm. That checks out.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.