My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
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King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My birthstone is kidney
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.