I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
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My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.