My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.


My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.


Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.


Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.


I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.


Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.


“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft


I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.


Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!


Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.