I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
screw you
When your best mate counts as a desk too
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
this is how life feels
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
LOL!
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults