How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
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I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
lmfao
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*