Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
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[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.