Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
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ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Well, shit
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring