*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
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People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed