*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
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Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Ok but actually
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Thinking about a snail with a limp
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I triple waxed for this?
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?