Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
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New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.