I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
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The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm