Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.