I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
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“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
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