My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
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If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
the best thing i’ve ever made
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.