“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”