My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
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*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again