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Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut