Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
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I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.