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“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I’m awake but I object,
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Thank you corporation very cool
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William