Thank you corporation very cool
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if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Maths meets science
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!