Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
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Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.