Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
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[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”