if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
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High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?