Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
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I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
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There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?