Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
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My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
The news in a nutshell.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.