Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
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I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
english majors be like furthermore
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES