HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
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moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.