Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
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Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Writing, She Murdered.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.