Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
You Might Also Like
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one