“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
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If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is