One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
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make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.