ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
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I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season